You Know You're One Of The Original Fans of 80s Metal IF...
1. You ever owned a denim jacket (preferably stone-washed or acid-washed) that contained several band buttons, and/or patches, and/or hand-drawn logos.
2. You ever wrote/etched “Metallica” or “Slayer” into your school desk.
3. You ever wrote/etched “Metallica” or “Slayer” on a bathroom stall.
4. You still know the words to Warrant’s “Heaven” – like it or not, dammit!
5. You, for one, were NOT surprised to find out Rob Halford was gay.
6. Girls only: you longed for (or owned) red scrunch boots like Jon Bon Jovi’s.
7. Girls: You ever had hair that’s best described as “enormous.” Boys: You ever had hair best described as “long.”
8. Aqua Net pink or Rave #4. Nothing else mattered.
9. Leopard print had a formidable place in your wardrobe.
10. When your jeans finally ripped at the knee they made it over the hump and were finally acceptable.
11. You ever combined ripped denim over spandex for that “ultra-cool” look.
12. You remember when Bret Michael’s hair looked real without the bandana.
13. Metal Edge was your Bible. Especially the “kickin’ color photos!”
14. Circus ruled for live photos and long articles. Rip and Hit Parader also rocked.
15. You remember the following magazines: Faces Rocks, Blast! (and those funny captions), Metallix, Rock Beat, Rock Scene, MM Metal Muscle, Metal Shop, Crash!, Powerline, Metal, Rock, Song Hits…
16. You remember when Bret Michael’s jeans used to look stuffed – ala Spinal Tap.
17. You were sooo disappointed when Dokken broke up!
18. You remember how Mark Slaughter and Dana Strum looked in Vinnie Vincent Invasion.
19. You remember what Vinnie Vincent looked like in Vinnie Vincent Invasion! Agh! The pink!
20. You were a member of the Warrant Wadd Squad or the Vinnie Vincent Invasion fanclubs.
21. You ever called a band hotline.
22. You remember commercials on MTV for band hotlines.
23. You remember Dee Snider on Heavy Metal Mania.
24. Kevin Seal on Headbangers Ball. What a doofus.
25. Adam Curry on Headbangers Ball. So much cooler than Kevin Seal. Five minutes later, he was a doofus, too.
26. Riki Rachtman was sooo much cooler than Adam Curry. Well, until he cut his hair.
27. Fringe. Another important wardrobe staple.
28. What? Gene Simmons is with Cher? You couldn’t believe it.
29. You remember Ally Sheedy hanging out with that guy in Valentine. You saw the picture in Metal Edge.
30. What? Richie Sambora’s with Cher? You couldn’t believe it.
31. What? Richie Sambora’s with Ally Sheedy? You couldn’t believe that, either.
32. Guys: Poison, Bon Jovi, Danger Danger, and Warrant were much, much, much too much gayness to you. Poseurs. But, the chicks that dug them were so hot, you put up with them. Girls: Slayer, Metallica, Exodus, and Testament were much, much, much too heavy for you. But, some of the guys that liked them were so hot you put up with them.
33. You remember music stores called Record Town and Tape World. And they actually had records and tapes.
34. You remember how record stores looked with cassettes lining the walls and 45 rpm record racks in one corner.
35. You went to the store the first day and you got it! The copy of Poison’s second album/cassette with the original, banned tongue artwork!
36. Nothing beats the awesome aroma of a new cassette’s gatefold sleeve!
37. You think KISS was cooler without the makeup.
38. You recall waiting in line to buy concert tickets from a Ticketron outlet or at the venue. Better yet, you remember (gack!) having to sit for hours waiting for tickets on the phone!
39. “Master Of Puppets,” “Appetite For Destruction,” “Look What The Cat Dragged In,” “Open Up and Say…Ahh,” “Slippery When Wet,” “Crazy Nights” “Skid Row,” “Dr. Feelgood”….any or all of these albums make you sappy with nostalgia.
40. You remember the mullet before it had a name. You might have (gasp!) even had one at one point. But it wasn’t uncool yet, then.
41. There was a cooler-than-thou hair-metal type cover band in your school. You were in it, their best friend who couldn’t play an instrument, or one of their local groupies.
42. All of the sub-genres of metal: glam, thrash, speed metal, death metal…whatever one you were a fan of, the rest just sucked.
43. You recall metal magazine reader mail as being something like this:
“my parents are cool”
“my parents suck”
“the PMRC sucks”
“I need the vital stats on (name of guy or band)”
"Why do girls care if (musician) is married anyway? Stupid sluts!"
“I’m a fan of (genre)…(opposite genre) sucks!”
“I’m from (foreign country) you should just be glad you can see any bands at all!"
“Please stop fighting, we must unite for metal!”
44. The word “killer” was used 72 times in every metal magazine.
45. Your room was plastered with band posters, pinups, tapestries, and centerfolds. Even the ceiling.
46. The Headbanger’s Ball intro music (S.O.D.) was always SO LOUD. Your parents kept telling you to turn it down and/or go to bed.
47. You remember when (MTV) Hard 30 finally got changed to Hard 60. Then it disappeared.
48. You remember the MTV show 1-800-DIAL-MTV was filled to the brim with metal videos. And they showed the entire videos.
49. Those hard-to-find videos could always be found on Night Flight.
50. All the best bands did The Arsenio Hall Show.
51. You remember that roller derby show on Saturday mornings. They always had a band play in the middle of the rink.
52. A concert was a huge deal for you. New clothes, listen to the tape the whole way there. Hanging out at a concert was the coolest! I mean, as said above – you had to wait in line for these tickets!
53. You acquired all of your metal t-shirts at either a concert or Spencer Gifts at the mall.
54. Guys and gals: we all wore long, dangly earrings – guitars, lightening bolts, just dangly, handcuffs, guitars …
55. One of your friends loved Tommy Lee so much he/she became a drummer and had the drumstick necklace.
56. Silver jewelry. Only silver jewelry.
57. You know all the metal interview cliches:
“Our next album will be heavier.”
“(BAND) is like (CLICHÉ) EXAMPLE:“Poison is like a party in your pants”
“Our next album will be more bluesy”
“Will they get over the sophomore slump?”
“You have your whole life to write your first album…you have one year to write your second – and you’re on the road!”
“I Can’t choose a favorite song on this album, it’s like asking me to choose my favorite child!”
58. You ever ordered jewelry or t-shirts through the ads in rock magazines.
59.You thought Janet Gardner's and/or Eric Brittingham’s hair was the pinnacle of teasing perfection.
60. You owned, or at least remember the ad for, Doug Marks Metal Method.
61. You couldn’t believe it when Lita Ford married Chris Holmes! What?!
62. You remember when Zakk Wylde was clean-shaven and had teased hair. You also know how Pantera USED to look.
63.You still find Decline Of Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years - a very engaging study.
64. Metallica said they were only doing this video for “One,” it would be the only video they would ever do, it wouldn’t change anything. You believed them. Now you hate them.
| "Now, now, lay off Detroit. Them people is living in 'Mad Max' times." -Moe Syzlak|
RIP To The King - Bob Probert 1965-2010